How Far
by The Wheatmeister
Summary: Post "A Merry Little Christmas," Harm and Mac have a long overdue talk.


Title: How Far  
  
Author: Stephanie Wheatley(whtmstr13@hotmail.com)  
  
Summary: Post "A Merry Little Christmas," Harm and Mac have a long overdue talk  
  
Rating: PG-13 for some semi-strong language. Nothing too bad, though.  
  
Spoilers: Always…  
  
Feedback: If you so choose.  
  
Disclaimer: I own neither the character, nor the song, which belongs to the incomparable Martina McBride. I am making no money, and I have no money, so suing would be a great waste of time.  
  
**********************************************************************  
  
There's a boat, I could sail away  
  
There's the sky, I could catch a plane  
  
There's the train, there's the tracks  
  
I could leave and I could choose to not come back  
  
Oh never come back  
  
**********************************************************************  
  
2330 EST  
  
Harm's Apartment  
  
The night of the Christmas Eve service  
  
Hearing the knock at the door, Harm looked in on Mattie to make sure she hadn't been wakened, then went to see who was visiting at this time of night. "Mac?"  
  
"We need to talk, Harm," she said, brushing past him into the apartment.  
  
"Now?" he asked, exasperation evident in his tone. "Mattie's asleep."  
  
"Well, I hope we can still have a civilized discussion at a low volume, but if you're worried, we can wait until tomorrow. I'll just sleep here on the couch, so you can't avoid me any more than you already have."  
  
Harm sighed. "Fine. Say your piece, Marine."  
  
**********************************************************************  
  
There you are, giving up the fight  
  
Here I am begging you to try  
  
Talk to me, let me in  
  
But you put your wall back up again  
  
Oh when's it gonna end  
  
**********************************************************************  
  
"I've never known you to be a quitter, Harmon Rabb. Not in anything you've ever done."  
  
"And?"  
  
"Why have you quit on us?"  
  
"Me quit on us? You've got to be kidding, Mac. I'm not the one who quit. Something about both of us wanting to be on top."  
  
"So fight for me, Harm."  
  
"Mac, it's late and I'm tired. You're going to have to make a little bit more sense than this. I've been fighting. I can't do it anymore. Even an idiot can figure out that after so many times of banging his head on the same brick wall, it probably isn't coming down."  
  
"When have you ever fought for me, Harm? I've given you every opportunity. The ferry in Sydney, the Guadalcanal, Paraguay. There are too many to name. Every damn time, you've skirted the issue or spoken in a code known only to you. Every girl wants her Prince Charming to fight for her. Here's your chance—your last chance at that. If you want me, fight for me."  
  
**********************************************************************  
  
How far do I have to go to make you understand  
  
I wanna make this work so much it hurts, but I just can't  
  
Keep on giving, go on living with the way things are  
  
So I'm gonna walk away  
  
And it's up to you to say how far  
  
**********************************************************************  
  
Harm's mouth opened and closed several times as he tried to think of something to say. What Sarah Mackenzie had just told him floored him completely. Finally regaining his equilibrium, he smirked. "So I'm your Prince Charming, huh?"  
  
"Yes, you dimwit! You always have been. Don't you get it?"  
  
"No, I don't, Sarah. What about Clay? You've made absolutely no secret of your involvement with him. You can't have us both."  
  
"Harm, I love Clay-as a friend. He's been a great friend to me, to us throughout the years, but he's not you. Mic wasn't you, Dalton wasn't you. But I've already put my life on hold for you once. I'll be damned if I do it again. Do you have any idea how much you hurt me the other night? You've know Mattie for months now, known you wanted custody almost as long, and that was the first time I'd heard anything about it. I didn't hear from you at all, not even a damn e-mail while you're with the CIA. And the low blows about my alcoholism in court, or not wanting to give me a chance to screw up your custody hearing. Friends don't sandbag each other like that, but you should know that because we've had that discussion once already."  
  
"I'm sorry about that, Mac. I really am. But what do you want me to do about it now?"  
  
"Give me a reason, Harm. Give me a reason to believe that you will fight for me."  
  
"You know the reason, Sarah."  
  
**********************************************************************  
  
There's a chance I could change my mind  
  
But I won't, not till you decide  
  
What you want, what you need  
  
Do you even care if I stay or leave  
  
Oh what's it gonna be  
  
**********************************************************************  
  
"Oh, no. We're not going back to speaking in code again. This bullshit about me knowing the reason and not being able to let go 'yet.' I'm not a mind reader, Harm. I don't know anything. Stop being such a damn coward and tell me what's on your mind. Am I even worth fighting for to you?"  
  
"You and Mattie are the only things worth fighting for," he replied softly, taking a sudden interest in his shoes.   
  
"So why can't you give me something better than 'you know the reason' when I ask for some kind of proof that I can count on you to be there."  
  
"Wait a minute," Harm interjected incredulously. "You need proof that I'll be there for you? After poachers shot you, when Coster was after you, when Chris came back. Who else in your life has been there for you as much as I have, Mac?"  
  
"So you're a great friend, and I appreciate that, Harm. Really, I do. But that's not enough anymore."  
  
**********************************************************************  
  
How far do I have to go to make you understand  
  
I wanna make this work so much it hurts, but I just can't  
  
Keep on giving, go on living with the way things are  
  
So I'm gonna walk away  
  
And it's up to you to say how far  
  
**********************************************************************  
  
"So what exactly are you looking for, Mac?"  
  
"Harm, I meant what I said today in court. You are the type of man I picture being the father of my children. But you aren't just the type, you are the man. I could never seen Clayton Webb being anyone's father. You, on the other hand, you're compassionate and kind. You'd go to the ends of the earth for a kid in trouble, your own or otherwise. The way you are with little AJ and Jimmy is proof to me that you're a natural at being a father."  
  
"Wow. So, where exactly does that leave us?"  
  
"Give me a reason to believe you're willing to fight for me, Harm."  
  
"Sarah, for almost as long as I've known you, I've never been able to imagine my life without you as a big part of it. I know I've been a coward sometimes, and I'm not entirely sure why. Maybe it's because I've never felt about any other woman the way I feel about you. And I'm scared. Sometimes it seems like us just being friends is enough to put our friendship on shaky ground. I don't want to lose you, Mac, not because I do something stupid and break your heart. I couldn't live with myself if I did."  
  
"Harm, we've never been just friends. There's always been more there."  
  
"Maybe you're right. And Sarah, you've got to believe me. I do want to fight for you. But things are more complicated now. The admiral's still on my case about leaving. I've got Mattie to think about. There's still a lot I have to do to make the court believe that I'm a fit parent. I'm not sure I can do it all right now, no matter how much I may want to. But I do want a life with you, and I want us to make good on that deal, but I want to make good on it because we're in a relationship with each other, not because neither of us is in a relationship. And I want us both to be ready for that. But again, there's Mattie to think about. She's got a big adjustment period ahead of her. Going to school again, being in a new place and around new people. Hell, she's still not entirely sure she trusts me yet. It wouldn't be fair to throw another huge adjustment in to the deal."  
  
**********************************************************************  
  
Out of this chair, or just across the room  
  
Halfway down the block or halfway to the moon  
  
How far do I have to go to make you understand  
  
I wanna make this work so much it hurts, but I just can't  
  
Keep on giving, go on living with the way things are  
  
So I'm gonna walk away  
  
And it's up to you to say how far  
  
Yeah I'm gonna walk away  
  
And it's up to you to say how far  
  
**********************************************************************  
  
"I understand that." Mac paused, her gaze shifting to the bedroom. "She's a great kid."  
  
"She's you," Harm said, looking shyly at her.  
  
"I was never that put together, Harm, but thanks." Pausing again, she said, "So here's my deal. We work to rebuild the friendship first. God knows it needs some help. I get to know Mattie, she gets to know me. We let whatever happens after that happen. As long as we're agreed that being together is the ultimate goal."  
  
Harm's face split into a wide grin. "That's the best idea I've heard in a long time, Marine. It's amazing, isn't it? How far we've had to come to get to this point."  
  
"Yeah," she said, moving closer for a hug. "But it will make the end result that much sweeter."  
  
"That it will," he murmured, wrapping his arms tightly around her. "Semper Fi, ninja girl."  
  
"Right back at ya, Flyboy." 


End file.
